Just before I
horrifically turned forty, I found myself scouring (with reluctance) the
library self help book shelves for some help I felt I perhaps needed. I eventually
checked out several books covering subjects like, my impending age
milestone, feelings about not having achieved more in life, how to
change negative thinking patterns, how to connect with your inner
truth! How not to be fearful of success. There were nine in all. I
didn't read any of them cover to cover, in fact I soon realized that
I appear to be doing okay thank you very much.
I read about all
these people who had made an absolute mess of their lives and they
weren't even actors! These were real people who had chosen real, safe, prescribed career paths and sensible lives who had
never the less completely imploded either when “they reached forty”
or “they got laid off from a job” (they were bloody lucky enough
to have had for several years) or “their marriage fell apart and
they were left alone to bring up a child”. Poor babies. ALL of
those things had happened to me and I hadn't fallen apart!
Some of
them had become alcoholics or drug addicts or spent years as useless
basket cases unable to believe that they would ever achieve anything
again or be loved again or be able to find a man or a job or
happiness or hope. NOT ME! Feck. I was only a few pages into this
stuff and I already felt GREAT! These self help books are better than
I ever realized.
I didn't even need to flick through “Feel the
Fear and do it anyway...” or “Failure”. What a revelation. So
it was with a feeling of superior righteousness that I returned my
heavy load to a crowded Burbank library branch one sunny Saturday
afternoon. There I stood with my son, flanked by a very good looking
young man who was smiling at us warmly and another handsome and
distinguished older man who winked at Ed...but not in a creepy way.
I
handed over my books with a sense of relief and mild
frustration...why would someone as successful and attractive as me
EVER think I needed all this “help”? I'm fine. I've clearly
always been fine and my life is great! ; ))
The dumpy frumpy
librarian takes the books...looks at me and proceeds to read EVERY
title loudly, slowly and with purpose. Everyone in the entire library
can hear her and is listening...
Fortytude!
I make a fake
puzzled look at the cute young guy next to me...
Feel
the Fear and Do It Anyway!
I try to let that
one pass and look at my son who looks back at me with amused
expectancy, he knows what's coming...
Failure!
Ha, ha...I
chuckle...as if!
Embracing
Fear!
Oh God. I look at
the floor. I can hear what the guy next to me is thinking...he can't
believe how f**ked up I am and I had looked so nice!!
The Winning Mind
Set!
Okay, well,
that's...
Finding Your Own
North Store! She corrects
herself, Finding
Your Own North StAR!!
She repeats, clear as a bell and even louder. All eyes are on
me. What a looser, they scream.
Excuse Me Your
Life is Waiting!
So, this just needs to end now,
quickly, so I can pick my broken self esteem up from off the floor
right at the feet of the handsome young man; so I can repair my burst
balloon of superiority and reinstate my fragile ego by eating a big
piece of humble pie in the car on the way home.
Life is just so good at keeping me in check and I'm very grateful!
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